If Donald Trump was an annoying mum friend

Donald Trump

My child FIRST.

My parenting skills are great. They’re absolutely fantastic.

No one can beat me. Couldn’t match my multitasking skills. Couldn’t do it.

My house is the cleanest house in town, and I have the happiest child. Other mums try to pretend that they’ve got their sh** together but they’re fake. Completely fake. Total disaster.

My child is a great, great eater. She’ll eat anything we put in front of her. We weaned her in a week. Nobody weans children as well as I do. My child is such a good eater that we have to tell her to stop eating so many vegetables. It’s true.

I’ve got the sleep thing sorted. My child is the best sleeper in the world. It’s true. She’s the best sleeper. She is. You can put her to bed at 7pm, you can say goodnight and leave her and she’ll sleep through to 7. It’s fantastic.

She’s also the greatest counter in the world. She can count to one thousand. It’s great. You should check out her counting skills one day. You’d love it.

Her teacher tells me that I have the most well behaved kid in the entire school. It’s just unbelievable. She has never misbehaved once. Zero times! It’s ridiculous!

My daughter can dress herself. It’s amazing. Gotta love her. That shoe tying hack on Facebook; she did that last year. She’s fantastic.

I have the best child in the world. She’s great. It’s true.

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